It was just the beginning but it was a gloriously good start. At the time this occurred this experience bookmarks a coming together of several resources pouring into my midst; reading the manuscript for Seeing is Believing, learning the foundations of a broad spectrum of therapeutic healing techniques in the lay counseling class at church, attending a one day teaching on theophostic prayer...sponging it all up and practicing
"how to" but finding real healing in the process. I retrieved this April 2004 post from CVM and decided to share this small chapter of the sweet sorrow story.
As an adult woman on the other side of a painful struggle with infertility…one day as I was praying, the Holy Spirit guided me to recall a childhood memory…
I’m five or six years old – downstairs at the house where I grew up – looking up at Santa (very suspicious that he looked an awful lot like Uncle Gene) but anyway, Santa begins to hand out presents to all the children, my two brothers, then my sister, then each of my five cousins, one by one Santa calls out their name HO! HO! HO! and with excitement and smiles they are handed a present to open. But then, there are no presents left, Santa’s bag is empty, and there was no present for me.
I hear my Dad say “Sandy, how could you forget her present!!!” It was evidently an oversight on Mom’s part [oops]...
But now, I’m remembering the joy each of my siblings and cousins experienced as every one of them were eventually blessed with a child, then another, and another… and I’m remembering the pain of those days, the unmet desire, the disappointment…month after month, hoping, praying… the old thought that I’d been forgotten, overlooked, why wouldn’t God bless me with this gift? Please! Tears flowed followed by sobbing at the deep pain I didn’t even know still existed.Then, there was Jesus, sitting on the step beside me, with his arms around me, he told me the TRUTH “In this world YOU WILL have trouble, but I leave you my peace…I have given you many gifts…and I will never leave you nor forsake you, I will be with you always, until the end.”
The tears became tears of joy and gratitude welled up in me as I experienced Jesus' love and concern for me, his compassion, his gentle, healing touch.
Forgiveness wasn’t necessary in this memory, but Jesus did bring truth and healing to this six year old child who did not know the truth at the time. She just felt forgotten. But Jesus said you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free! [Posted 4/13/2004]
9 comments:
I can't imagine wanting that experience and not getting it at all. I struggled with secondary infertility and lost several unborn babies, but I was blessed with one child. So sorry for that ache and I understand the wondering - why not me? I think there will be little ones in heaven that we well enjoy. Thanks for sharing that.
I was one evening in church and was on my way out, when the paster pointed in my direction and said:"you, you are angry with God, sit down".
So i stayed.
He read from Phill 1 vers 6 where God say that He will finish the beauty He has started in me and He will finish it through to the end". He also says that He cannot assure me that it is an easy path, but He promises that He will be right next to me, holding my hand.
It's a bitter-sweet memory...xx
Wow, Di. Thanks for sharing the story of your healing, even in this small place. I've had similar experiences, where one little piece gets put back into the whole and it's amazing. I want to scoop up that little girl who didn't get a present and tell her that I'll take her and get her whatever she wants the next day, even though I know that I can't and it won't really help ;) I'm glad you found her there and that she found love.
As far as your journey with infertility...well, wow. I have this strange, secret (well, except that I'm talking about it now on the internet) terror that Dave and I will finally be ready to try and have children and I won't be able to. I want to honor you for walking through that and sticking it out with God. Love you.
hi, di . . . i, too, am sorry for these parts of your story. but totally inspired and thankful to God for giving you a kind, comforting assurance of his love for you and his ever-remembrance of you.
marcell, now i know you get this at a level many don't, perhaps even more deeply than i've known myself having had one and i am so sorry for the unborn babies you lost. i cannot imagine how unbearable that would be. i share your hope for what awaits us in heaven.
linni, i had you in mind as i drafted this post this morning and felt an urgency to publish it when i did. what you shared echos the voice of God to us who have felt this longing for so long. the word bitter-sweet assured me there is more to tell of this story and i hope when i do you will know something of it is for you.
sarah, i know you get it when you say scooping up that little girl probably won't help, and ironically that realization is the very thing that does. she feels your love. i pray you will have the children you and Dave desire and in the meantime your mind will be at ease knowing His peace and promises no matter what.
thanks christianne for your loving words of encouragement and truth.
bless you all this day and it helps me to remember that we live in a love story set in the midst of a life and death battle. strength for the journey...
this was a really tender thing for you to share here di. i sure don't understand so much of what i see in this world. i stopped trying to explain it a long time ago. i look at you and see someone who could have provided so much goodness for her children, and then i look around and see others who have done so much damage to the little ones in their care. it's certainly not a merit system, that's for sure.
no other words, really. just sad with you. and also so grateful that you are finding God here in these lonely places.
Di, I just wanted to share a memory - when Lance led us through the 'first day of heaven' excersise, I 'met' all the children I lost, 4 of them. Jesus brought them into my room (which was designed so perfectly for me, more perfectly than I even could have imagined, down to the very fabrics and scents and light). The children were of various heights, 3 girls and one boy, blond. They didn't say a word but climbed up on my bed and I knew they were MINE. I just know there is so much love in you to share, and I am absolutely convinced that Jesus has something in mind for you that will blow your socks off!
Di, thanks for sharing this. Tears are flowing down my cheeks as I read your entry and also what others have had to say. Today I got the news I'll be losing #2 and in some weird way, your entry brings me comfort. In a place that feels so Godless, you've brought a glimpse of hope back to me that He's here. So, thank you - to all of you who have posted. Amy
terri, tender is a good word to describe that time in my life and while i can still get prickly it's a blessing to let it just be back there and know the present and future holds some pretty amazing things for all of us who love, are loved, have loved and lost, who would have loved and were fortunate not to have suffered certain losses....*sigh* we sure do get good at saying "i don't know why" this side of eternity don't we?
marcell, i'm coming to visit you and your little ones some day!!! i'll fly away over to your mansion and see that room and your garden too! that is really so beautiful to think about; i love how that exercise really is a glimpse into what is more real and more truth than we ever imagined. when did lance do that with you? i'm so glad you got to see that!
dear amy, i am so glad you found some comfort here ... i can only share again the knowing that it is hard to know what to say even for those who maybe do understand at some level ~ it's just not the same, ever. it is deeply personal and sad and words just fall short ~ but offering no words doesn't feel okay either, nothing does. so i'll just say i am feeling sad and so sorry with you.
love you all so much.
Post a Comment